REALISATION by Amaranth

Realisation

The first thing she remembered was the sunlight. Streaming through her open curtains, the warm rays on her face made her smile. She stretched, warm and cosy under the duvet, this was the first time she had felt refreshed after a sleep in years, maybe even before Alfie was born.

She unfurled herself and rolled to cast her eyes over her sleeping son next to her. The epitome of peace, he looked like an angel lying next to her.

She opened her mouth to speak but her furry tongue just cracked in her dry mouth. Swallowing hard as she tried to bring some life back into her mouth. Then she noticed the taste, the acrid acid taste of vomit. "Eugg" she thought "I've been throwing up. But why can’t I remember, its not like I've been drinking or anything". She cast a final look in her son's direction, pulled the duvet up to his chin and swung her legs out of bed.

She stood up, steadying herself against the wall, she felt suddenly dizzy and weak. She took a moment breathing slow and steady, relieved as the sudden cold, clamminess subsided. She glanced at Alfie again, still sleeping peacefully, she exhaled slowly. Stumbled into the en-suite and set about cleaning her teeth.

It suddenly dawned on her it was a school day. The freshness of the toothpaste clearing the fog in her mind. She glanced round the door of the en-suite and clocked the time, 9am, "Oh my God, we're fucking late". The panic was setting in. "Alfie!" she called with a mouthfull of toothpaste, she spat this into the sink, "Alfie!" she cried more urgently. He didn't stir.

"Bloody kid", she thought as she hastily took her pyjamas off and dived into the shower. The water soothed her panicked brain. "Well we're already late, I'll get him there when I get him there". The warm water felt wonderful on her skin.

She caught sight of herself in the mirror, she turned side to side not quite believing her reflection. "Well", she concluded, "maybe this diet is finally working". Her shower was long and leisurely, she enjoyed this undisturbed time, such a rarity with a talkative four year old.

Wrapping herself in her towelling robe and fixing her hair in a towel, she approached the sleeping form. He was sound asleep still. "Alfie" she called softly, "Alfie, come on sweety we're late for school". Nothing not even a stirring. She leaned in closer and whispered "if you dont wake up the tickle monster is coming", sliding her hand under the duvet she sang "he's coming".Her fingers touched his skin and she jumped, pulling her hand away quickly. She looked at him quizzacally, her eyes filled with tears, suddenly letting out a long heartbreaking, earpiercing scream. She gathered up the small bundle and sank to the floor, rocking, "no,no, no, no, no" was all that went through her head.

Beth", the soft voice the other side of the door startled her. "Beth,its Jo, let me in". She moved her legs, cradling him to her bosum protectively. Her sister came into the room. Looking down at her with kind understanding, Beth was surprised. "How long?" she croaked. "Three years" was the reply.

Jo squatted in front of her, gently reaching out and taking the bundle carefully from her sisters arms. Reluctant at first, Beth saw the understanding and let go. Standing up, Jo busied herself replacing the pillow and duvet on the bed. Beth looked up at her, "How often?" she croaked. "Every day honey, every day". Jo paused, looking thoughtful, "I'll take you to see Alfie later if you like?"

Beth let the tears fall as she remembered the tiny white casket being lowered in the ground, the day Steve had left and the day Jo moved in. Three years worth of tears fell from her eyes as she remembered everything of those years, and, she remembered, every morning as she tried to take Alfie to school.

Amaranth
15 June 2012