By now you all know that this muse (for those that know me only as nia, my pen name and published works name is moonmuse) loves words, they are my paint if you will, the medium I feel most comfortable expressing myself in.
In our own way, we are all artists in one light or another. The mediums we choose vary with our individual personalities, be it music, photos, or words, what YOU put forth on the canvas often reveals more than you realize to those privileged enough to share it ..if they look deeply.
As I always say, stop ..READ this disclaimer (giggles) the strange ramblings here are my own thoughts, musings and ponderings..my own opinion and I put them here so that my friends (smiles brightly and waves) and those I trust can help me muddle through the grey areas when I need a hand, understand when I pull back into myself and yes even yank my chain when I need it. Heavens above knows you don’t wanna leave me alone to wander in my head very long, it could seriously alter something!
Having said that, I look around at the wonderful plethora of artwork around me and question..How the past, our own pasts color our “canvases” I wonder how our perception of things stay with us. I know my own insecurities play a huge part in who I am and the way I think. Many of my friends have voiced similar strains of thought of late.
When one looks back at how these insecurities are formed it is a simple task to analyze them and pick them apart, not so simple to kick em to the curb..and then what?
How often are the fears and perceived sins of our childhood locked away, turned inward until they become the insecurities born of hidden guilt and shame that will color the outlook of the adult we become? How often do we lock those inner children behind the doors in our own minds with the VERY demons that terrify them, and how often is it that the adults we ARE can face those children embrace the old fears, acknowledging them as ADULTS and release them..freeing ourselves from the burdens we originally took on as a choice, albeit an unconscious one?
I’ve said before and I will say again, knowing the boogie man under the bed is imaginary is one thing, not fearing him at midnight when you are all alone with yourself, another entirely.
If I have learned nothing else over the past two years, I have learned myself. The things I locked away and the insecurities I have have often made me think myself unworthy of the very things we all seek, the things that any child wants and needs on a very basic level, unconditional love and acceptance and happiness.
If we decide as children that we are undeserving of those things, then how do we accept as adults that we DO deserve them? And even if the experiences that plant those seeds, that imbed those doubts seem small and insignificant to the Adult, the child sees them in a vastly different reality. The rest of our world can be a happy loving and positive place as mine was (thank you daddy) but those tiny moments are the sand in our oyster shell. Growing over the years until the pearl of fear itself is more tangible and “real” than the incidents that caused the fear. How does one begin to move past that?
For this one it begins with realizing sometimes we come to love and embrace our fears because they are SAFE (paradox I know) but we understand them, how to deal with them or more accurately how to deal AROUND them. They become the safety net that keeps us from making difficult choices, embracing changes and even trying new things. What happens though if we open those doors, bring our child out of the closet, face the fears locked in with them as an ADULT and accept it, what happens when we slay our beasts?
For me the fear of “what now” of what’s left of who and what we are after dealing with those inner demons is just as terrifying as what’s locked behind the door. When you feel totally without anchor or direction, when there is not even fear and insecurity to hold onto, that is when true growth begins, when you have to step outside your comfort zone and begin reaching for acceptance, not from those around you…THAT’S EASY, but from yourself. Because in truth, we are each our own master, giving power where we see fit and giving the gift of ourselves, but to do so, we must know the gifts worth, our own worth, and give it with full knowledge, consent and acceptance, of that worth. Right?
So my friends, enjoy your canvas for what it is, start with it as pure as a field sparkling with the first snows of winter white, and fill it happily with all the colors that make your world beautiful and I will try to continue to use my words to do the same, slaying my beasts and trying to make the insane a lil more sane in the process
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